toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
