Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
