I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize