My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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