I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I touched a dick in church today
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
