I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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