I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
