Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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