Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
