dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
