My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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