dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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