We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
