Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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