it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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