Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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