I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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