yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
