my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
