the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
