Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
