Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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