that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
