just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
