just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
