what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
