i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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