btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
