I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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