It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
