Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
