i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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