What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
