Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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