Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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