Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
