i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
