I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
