I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
