I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
