so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
4 words: hood of his car
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
