Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
