my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
