The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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