Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
