Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
