Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
