me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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