We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
