You smell like stripper and shame
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize