I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
