WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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