shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
