what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
