Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
