I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize