dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
